Sometimes I Forget I'm Supposed To Be Moaning

It's been a hectic week. Not true, I just haven't really thought about posting a blog much. Saul Williams is pretty awesome.
I tell ya who is amazingly fantastic live, though: Death Cab For Cutie. Damn, they totally blew me away. I did not expect them to be such a sight to behold. I can't really explain what made them so great (I'd be here all night), but there was so much passion and energy in every single note they played. Moving stuffs. It was nice to see Simon (although I did see him the other day at Lloyds), and I felt a bit bad that my sister had no-one else to go with, but she seemed to enjoy Simon and mine's company enough. New experience: going to a party after a gig. It was cool, I expected more people from Bullers to be there, but I also didn't expect a lot of people who were there to be there.
First Delve practice in ages today, which was amazing. Wrote three new songs, practiced the old. Seriously getting excited about the 2nd August: first gig. Tunbridge Wells Forum, be there, bitches.
In other news I have a new webcam, my sister also got back from Spain the other day. We aren't the closest of siblings but it was cool to have her around the house again. I'm glad we get on. She got me a cool necklace thingy.
I have a short list of things that I'd like to achieve in my gap year, aside from the obvious 'earn money', so that I don't feel like I am just wasting my time:

• Learn to play the piano to a reasonable degree of skill
• Gain a basic understanding of Russian
• (Re)read the following: A Brief History Of Time, The Universe In A Nutshell, Six Easy Pieces, Does God Play Dice?, Physics
• Learn some moderately advanced computer programming

I tidied my room for the first time in freaking ages today, I'm so proud of myself. It actually looks pleasant now. It's a bit untidy now due to the band practice, but nothing compared to how it was before.
There has been a slight breakdown in communication with Alissa and me, but it's nothing major... I hope.

I'm hot.

Lawrence

I think it's about time I shared with the world my side of things regarding my relationship with Chris Lawrence. Before I begin: no, I am not gay.
I'll try and keep this as unbiased as I can, believe what you want.
So at the end of year eleven I make the choice to switch schools to Bullers Wood School for my A-levels (possibly the best decision I have ever made, regardless of this blog), and end up being one of a handful of males in year twelve. Another boy who decided to make a similar move was Chris Lawrence, but back at the beginning of year twelve, I had no idea who he was beyond 'a friend of Gary Wood'. Not the most flattering first impression.
About halfway through the year, Matt got to know Lawrence and seemed to like him. Eventually, through group-conversations, I too got to know him moderately well. By the end of the year, we were on relatively good terms. It was at this point when his girlfriend, Molly (derogatorily referred to as 'Goulds' by Lawrence, back then), decided to break up with him. He was crushed. Heartbroken you might say. He phoned me up a lot because he felt that I was the person who would most understand how he felt, and be lest judgemental about another male having and sharing feelings. From then on, I spent a lot of time with him, trying to cheer him up, even though I was with Alissa. I explained to her that for the sake of Lawrence, it was more important for me to spend my time with him. There were times when the three of us hung out, but I felt a bit like I was rubbing in the fact that I still had a girlfriend, so we didn‘t do it very often.
We formed a band. "Lawsuits Among Believers". We wrote some alright songs, none of which ever got finished. We were best friends. He would call me almost every night for hour long talks, unless I phoned him first. We probably saw each other four or five days a week; I'd either be at his, or I'd go and pick him up (having just passed my driving test).
Then when we went back to start year thirteen, Monday afternoons became our band practice day. Every week, we didn't have to say a word. We silently knew that we'd spend a few hours on Monday afternoons playing, writing and sometimes just listening to music.
Then he got back together with Molly.
I said to him the following Monday something like "still on for this afternoon?" thinking 'as if I have to ask…', to which he replied "Oh, er... I'm hanging out with Molly... Sorry," which he had apparently planned two days prior. I was upset that he'd cancelled, and even more upset that he hadn't told me until I asked, on the day. But I thought, 'ah, it's just one day, he's been missing this girl for months, I shouldn't be selfish', although that didn't make me feel much better; I'd sacrificed weeks of being with Alissa for him.
He stopped calling me. He didn't invite me to hang out with him, and when I asked him he always told me he was busy with Molly. We didn't have another band practice, our songs remained unfinished.
I was unbelievably upset. I felt like I had been used by someone who needed a shoulder to cry on. Our friendship had been anything but sexual, but I'd gotten so close to him over the eight weeks that I felt utterly heartbroken. He did call me, once more, but I think Alissa had told Molly how upset I was, who had, in turn, told Lawrence to ring me. I said to him how I felt like he just didn't care about me, to which he answered "you know that isn't true"... But I don't.
That's about it. He broke my heart. You can go ahead and call me 'gay', 'faggot', 'pussy', 'emo', whatever. When I saw him at school, it would just be an awkward "hi," if he acknowledged me at all. So I stared outright ignoring him, and I think he got angry. Either that or he just turned into a dickhead, because he started being really rather rude to Alissa for no apparent reason, making snide comments and so on. She got quite upset. Anyway, that isn't really the point.
Now Matt has joined Lawrence’s new band, which has re-opened the old wound which I'd hoped would remain scarred over, now that I don't have to see him at school anymore. I'm not jealous, and there isn't anything I can do, not even talk to Matt about how I feel (though I'm sure he's reading this; hi!). I don't want him to quit their band... That's a lie, I would really like that. But I can't ask Matt to do that. I wouldn't want to. It just brings back old memories. I'm rambling now. This was brought up because They are going to practice tomorrow. Brought me down a bit, I was on a Delve high earlier.

So now you know.

No, I am not Dave Gorman

I feel quite humbled. And not for the usual reason of my constant feeling of insignificance in this universe. But because I want to make my website worth visiting. It is only now that I realise how much time and effort must have gone into websites that I have dismissed in the past.
I want to write an article, be it a review or some personal beliefs, and yet I cannot think of a topic that I am both passionate and knowledgeable about. I feel that if I begin talking about something, someone will read it and point out how little I really know about a topic. I feel as though I have no speciality, no talent. Don't get me wrong, this is no self-pitying cry for attention; I am not stupid, this I know. But I don't know enough about one specific topic to write an accurate article which is enjoyable to read. I do not count this blog as such an article, because I write this stream-of-consciousness style, then go over it correcting all the typing and spelling errors.
I could review a comic I recently enjoyed, but I do not know enough about the composition of comic books to fairly judge the quality of a particular series, nor have I read enough to be able to comment on how it measures up to similar series. I could write up a scientific theory or notion that I am particularly fond of, but I fear that perhaps I do not grasp it on the necessary level to comment on it, and all I would be doing is repeating facts that I have previously read.
I could write about religion, but I'm so tired of arguing with people who's opinions are based purely in their upbringing. They do not listen to my arguments, and to be fair, I no longer listen to theirs, for I've heard it all before. I'd also feel like I was preaching, and I wouldn't want that.
Ho hum.
Speaking of ignorance, my father blasted "my music" today. Apparently, "all the bands" I enjoy listening to are "variations on The Beatles" with "three guitars and a bass" (proving he was not of the required state of mind to have valid opinions, for The Beatles had two guitars and a bass, or three guitars if you count a bass as a guitar). I have taken great pleasure in creating a compilation CD featuring 24 of the best bands that I enjoy which do not feature much, if any, guitar or bass. Sadly, I know he will not apologise.
I have such strong opinions and a great passion for many things, yet I am too afraid to write an article on anything. It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt.

But my website kinda sucks at the moment.

BOOOOOOOORED

Exams are over for me, that's taken the pressure off a little. Or a lot.
However, now I am so terribly bored. I tried tidying my room but that is so much effort. I made a start, at least. I've been jamming on the guitar for ages, but nothing good is coming of that today, sadly. I took apart a computer earlier to get the soundcard for Alissa. I thought I would at least be on my way to hers by now, but some sort of dance organisation means that I have to wait about two hours. Consequently this means I possibly won't be able to try and fix her computer, which is slightly irritating; I was really looking forward to that.
So now I am at a bit of a loss. Nothing to do. I've even read something today, and tried to make a new video. I sure hope the rest of the summer won't be like this. I have spent a lot of time sitting right here, opening Mozilla, clicking a page or two, closing it, checking if anyone else is online, and repeating. Over and over. Nothing on the television; new Simpsons are embarrasingly bad.
Last night I originally planned to go and be part of the stuido audience for The Friday Night Project with Harriett, Ben and Ciara. In the end Ben and Ciara couldn't come, and Harriett and I didn't get into the studio. Instead we went for a walk around London, and I remembered how much I love London, especially at night. We ended up spending most of our time (and money) in Trocadero Funland, an arcade/bowling alley type place. It was great fun, I whooped Harriett at Dance Dance Revolution and she kicked my ass at air-hockey. We got some cool sticker-photos done, too. It was a good night, and I'm almost glad we didn't get into TFNP. It was cool to see Harriett for the first time in a while, too.

I have nothing left to say but this is holding back my boredom... Crap.

The Sharp Hint Of New Tears

My very last exam is tomorrow; Synoptic Physics. I can't revise, per se, I can only do past papers over and over. Every time I try one, I get stuck, and then get distressed, and then give up. I'm so scared. I'd managed to talk myself into feeling as though University were unimportant. I told myself that I'd be OK. So I calmed down a little. Now Tom Parsons has just reminded me how much of a fuckup I am, because going to University is actually the very most important thing in the world. "But maybe it isn't for you..." definately made me feel better. My heart feels like it is having a wrestling match with my stomach and my intestine is trying to escape the fray through my mouth. Professor Terror is now online, but it's shit because I've hardly spent any time on it. Still one or two dead links. All this sorrow is making me more "emo" again, but not in the disgusting myspace way, in the no-social-life-depressed-geeky-loser way. You know, the good way. More like Death Cab For Cutie than BRINGMETHEHORIZON or some shit. Oh God, if I don't get into University, I won't be a geeky Physicist... I'll just be a loser with no life who has a vague interest but little understanding of Physics. That's the single most depressing thought I've had all month.
I'm not really sure what to do now. I just keep staring at my computer screen with nothing imparticular on it.


.

Fahrenheit 451

“Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.” — Nazi Reich Marshal Hermann Göring during the Nuremberg Trials

“The broad mass of the nation ... will more easily fall victim to a big lie than to a small one.” — Adolf Hitler, in his 1925 book Mein Kampf

Interesting quotes there. I'm rather bored. Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless mind is one of the greatest films of the past decade. I was on the Eternal Sunshine Wikipedia. Linked to Jim Carrey, linked to The Truman Show, linked to Nineteen Eighty-Four (one of the greatest books ever written), which featured the above quotes. I'm not feeling particularly angry, but society is a funny old thing, isn't it? Whole human race is though, I suppose.

I'm going to cram some psychology.

More Visual Joy

I have been making so many videos and writing quite a lot of songs recently, I think I'm going to make a site with all my creative crap on it. Funny story, I've somehow ended up paying £10 for www.professorterror.com, so I figure I may as well use it. Maybe wait until after the exams, though. Hopefully I shouldn't be posting many blogs over the next week. I only have something like five or six days of exams left, but I haven't revised for these last two much, so I'm hoping to get mother fuckers in ship-shape before the day of reckoning.

In the meantime, check this shit out. Does it freeze for anyone else at 59 seconds? It's only 60 seconds long, and my computer is being slow so even if it isn't just me it doesn't really matter. Anywho, enjoy:



Meet The Fockers is brilliant.

Slings And Arrows

So I've been dreading my C4 exam for about a week or so now, and it was today. No big surprises, I found it pretty hard, I'm still worried I haven't done as well as I need/want to. They aren't over yet, either. Two more that I haven't even started revising for. I have five days. Here we go again.
Yeah I don't really want to write a blog right now, I'm just bored, so this is all you get.

... Y'bastards.

Also...

I love me.

Everything Has Fallen To Pieces

I'm fuckin' diggin' Blink 182 all of a sudden again. The perfect blend of hilarity and kick-ass music.
Had C3 today. Went depressingly bad. C4 on Thursday; I'm not optimistic. Especially since I have a Physics exam a few hours before. Argh.
I guess it doesn't matter: if I don't get into UCL, I'll find somewhere that will take me, and even if I don't, not going to university won't be such a bad thing. I just hate finding out that I'm bad at something, no matter what it is. I like Maths, why doesn't it like me back?
Went to Greenwich with my ladyfriend on Saturday night, Cafe Rouge then a hotel. Was a great night, we talked for hours. She bought me a replica of my absolute favourite hat ever and a star. No, really. (L).
I got told Ottakar's were hiring people full time, so I took a CV in, thinking it'd be perfect for me. Boy, did I feel like a twat when I said "I heard you were hiring people...?" and they replied "Erm... No..." and looked at me with a confused expression. Great.
It is too hot lately. I miss winter, even though there are aspects of summer I love. I can't wait for exams to be over, I want to concentrate on music without feeling guilty for not revising.
I should go and look over some C4. I really hate the whole examination system. I know what I said about not caring about university and such, but I'll still be upset if I can't study Astrophysics at UCL. Very upset.

Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cock-sucker, mother-fucker, tits, fart, turd and twat.

Get In The Pit And Try Ta Love Someone

I wanna make a website. I mean, I made a website. But I'm so fuckin' fickle, I'm already sick of it before I've even uploaded it properly. I hate being so fickle. I can't even decide what kind of person I am. I change too easily and too much. And I proper hate it.
Was gonna make professorterror.co.uk, now I don't wanna be the wacky scientist. I kinda want to do something music-based. Especially since I grouped every song I have ever put any contribution towards into one folder on my computer. It's an impressive 30 songs. Alright, hardly loads, certainly not worth dedicating a website to, but I had no idea I'd done so much. So I'm thinking about making a website and having a section for that type of thing. But what would I fill the other pages with? I don't want a queer "about me" website, that's why I stopped (sort of) using myspack. Hmm... I guess I'd have a videos section, but that's kinda what YouTube is for. And this blog is pretty good for venting and ranting and raving. This is a vague picture of what my website was gonna be, if anyone's interested.
Hmm. I'll admit I've been inspired by Greg's site, but looking at his archives, he was similarly inspired by someone else's site, so that's the way it goes, I guess.

One year tomorrow.

FUCK APPLE

Ever since I got my external hard drive to store all my music on, iTunes keeps fucking up. It can't seem to handle that my music isn't kept in the default C:/.../iTunes Music folder, but instead in E:/.../iTunes Music.
Because it can't handle that I am using a different hard drive, it does the following:
First, it removes all my music from it's library, meaning I have to re-import it, taking with it any playlist I've made.
Then, it spends around five minutes processing the mp3s. Think you can do other stuff while it's doing this? Think again. Like some sort of irritating child, it keeps bringing itself to the front, popping up, letting you know that it's a shit. So if you happen to be typing and it pops up, the chances are you will hit the space key before you notice, stopping the whole process.
Once this has been failed a few times, then successfully completed, it decides to organise the music for you. How kind. This takes more time and does one of two things:
Absolutely nothing.
Copies all the music you put on the E drive to save C drive space BACK onto the C drive.
Fuck Apple.
It seems to do this every other time I start iTunes.
Don't even get me started on how unreliable iPods are.
I used to want a Mac, thinking that anything would be better than Windows.
Fuck Apple.
This is why I need to learn how to use Linux.

Fuck Apple.

Top Ten Albums

Having a cracking conversation with Greg. He sure is somethin'.
He prompted me to make a top 10 list of albums. Here's what I came up with:
1. Less Than Jake - Hello Rockview
2. Nine Inch Nails - Still
3. Tom Waits - Small Change
4. Nine Inch Nails - And All That Could Have Been
5. System Of A Down - Toxicity
6. Dashboard Confessional - Places You Have Come To Fear The Most
7. Alexisonfire - Watch Out!
8. Placebo - Without You, I'm Nothing
9. Blink 182 - Enema Of The State
10. Alec Empire - Intelligence And Sacrifice
Subject to change.
Anyway I'm really bored so I thought I'd share with you.

Listen to the above.

I Would Stop Time

Man I'm in such a strange mood. I know exams aren't even over yet, and summer hasn't even begun, but the fact that I've finished school, and quite possibly the best chapter in my life has come to an end has got me down. I'm feeling very nostalgic, and this music is makin' me feel really sad...
I don't know where to begin. School's over. Watching an old video of Faye n' me. Makes my heart come up to my throat and my eyes well up. What does the future hold? That's a scary question. Will I see the people I care about most in the future? That's even scarier. I know I'll make new friends and stuff... But... Letting go is hard. And I'm sure I'll still see everyone, but you can't tell me it'll be the same. There's no going back. "My life is just a scrapbook of old friends and faded memories". Ah, Fat Mike, you know the score.
Krypton is an actual element.
Alissa should be getting home any second now. I've missed her. It's only been a weekend. She's going to Exeter in September...
Man, this is heavy. In the deep sense of the word. I seem to be sighing a lot. Which makes me think of Greg's "every breath I exhale is a sigh" screen name. He's probably out having fun with Faye et compadres at Lloyd's. I didn't want to go because I hate going out, especially during exams. Here I am being all sad about the possibility of losing those closest to me and I'm turning down offers of companionship.
I think I'll stay up half the night listening to moving music.
Two more things:
One - Meet The Decay Constant:

Two - Watch a new video that I just made...



and an old one that I found that I made in year eleven.



I want a haircut. Anyone?

Cars, Women and Riches, Cars, Money and Bitches

Let me bring those of you who aren't in 'the loop' up to speed regarding my vehicle situation:
First of all, I bought my current car myself, using money that I've had since I was a wee bairn which was supposed to be saving for University. I couldn't afford to insure it, so my parents are currently paying for it at the moment. My dad is the legal owner of the car and it is insured in his name; I am the second driver. The insurance is still very expensive, as we cannot claim my dad's 'no-claims' discount on more than one car.
Secondly, this means our household has three cars. Since we live so close to a station, there are bays outside out house, which you need a (cheap) permit to park in between 11 am and 12.30 pm, so as to prevent commuters parking there all the live-long day. However, there is a maximum of two permits per household, meaning I do not have one. I'm usually at school between 11 and 12.30, so it normally doesn't affect me. But lately, what with being off school, I've had to park in the drive that we share with our neighbours (who have valid permits on both of their cars).
Thirdly, my neighbour is an old git. He is a prick of a grumpy old geezer. One time, he complained about my band practice being too loud at 3 pm on a Saturday afternoon because he was trying to watch the football...
Right, now that you are up to speed, on with the blog!
I'm thinking about getting a motorbike, for reasons one and two, as stated above. They are cheaper to run, smaller to park, cheaper to insure... etc. Also bikes are way cool. So yes, once my exams are over I'm going to seriously look into that.
Anyway I've been parked in the drive all week, and this pisses my neighbour off (even though he can legally park directly in front of the path leading up to his front door, and there is a space there right now). So I went out briefly to run a few errands (hark at me) and when I get back, guess what? That's right. He has moved his car three feet FURTHER from his house, JUST so that I cannot park in the driveway. I'm not sure if he realises about the permit situation, but even so, what an utter cunt! I already got one ticket for parking outside my own house (£40! Damn government), if I get another one, I'm gonna make him pay for it, the bastard. This is the meanest act I've experienced all week. There is no good reason for his actions beyond attempting to instigate negative feelings in me.
Oh yes, and I'm not prepared for my Mechanics Maths exam in eighty minutes.

And that's the end o' that chapter.

A Quick Update On My Thrilling Life

Levelled up on CoH again. The Mighty Decay Constant is now level 15 and flying like a mother fucker.
I'm really starting to get back into the whole industrial scene. It was kicked off by my obtaining all the Nine Inch Nails remixes (which I recommend to anyone, NIN fan or heavy-metal-hater) and a couple of Skinny Puppy releases. I'm now downloading the new Das Ich album because I know Lav likes 'em, and she's pretty clued up on that genre. If you're reading, recommend me some more! I've also been listening to KMFDM properly and some classic NIN. But I digress.
It's 1 am and I think I'll go to bed. M1 exam tomorrow, technically. Tuesday, not Monday. Eek. I should be OK, but I'll be pretty tired considering my current sleep-routine. Oh well, roll with it, Jacky-boy, roll with it.

G'night.

Deep Thoughts 'Bout Nothin' Imparticular

Just caught the last half of 'Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy', it's a most enjoyable film. Got me thinkin'. The black guy in it (didn't catch his name) is fantastic; so stoic. I love stoic people. I've always tried to be more like that. He says "life goes on, I should just go on with it" which is a really great motto. Also said in the film is "I'd rather be happy than right," which is also a good ideal, but I think I'm the other way around, for better or for worse.
I really do want to be more stoic (yes, I've said the word three times now, I don't have a thesaurus), but at times I can't help but panic (e.g. previous blog post). I know that showing emotion isn't necessarily a weakness... But in some ways lack of control over them is. I try really hard to be more stoic (four) and I s'pose 'less moaning' falls into that category. I'm going to make a real effort to keep calm and not panic as of now. Life goes on, so I'll just go on with it.
I imagine tomorrow I'll write a post that goes along the lines of "AHH, MATHS EXAM TOMORROW, FORGET NOT PANICING, I'M FUCKED! WEEP WEEP WEEP!"
Oh well. I can but try.
On occasion I think to myself "why should I constantly focus on self-improvement? Can I not just be satisfied with who I am?"
I guess I should just be happy with who I am... But I'm not. And it'd be technically impossible to want to be more like a person who doesn't want to change, who just wants to be themself...

Peace out, y'all.

Stupid Brain!

I feel worse than I have felt all day, all week, all month, all… you get the idea. I’ve been doing C4 revision by doing some test papers, and I get every single answer wrong. So when I try and read where I’m going wrong to make sure it doesn’t happen again, I can’t understand it. I don’t get why you do stuff. The only reason im good at maths is because I can reason with the logic behind it all, but this year (C4 specifically) there is loads of stuff we just have to know. Sure, there are reasons behind what we do, but some of them are so complex we don’t get taught them/I don’t understand them.
I’m seriously scared im going to fail C4 and therefore bring down the whole of my maths a level. And that thought gives me a tight feeling in my stomach, a headache, a twitching eye and a feeling of nausea. I hate this.
I can’t even relax and then come back and try later because my mind wont relax. It just keeps sounding the “FUCKFUCKFUCK” alarm, non-stop. And now my browser isn’t loading my blog page, so im typing all this in Microsoft works (because I don’t even have word) so I can copy and paste it later.
My new external hard drive came, but im too stressed to do anything with it.
My OiNK ratio has gone up to 0.495, but I feel too shit to care.
I could go for some death right about now.
Worst part is, most of the time I try to be stoic; “I don’t care if I fail my exams, life is pretty futile anyway so we shouldn’t waste what precious little time we have worrying over such trivial matters”
Then why do I feel like im about to explode… or implode… or some kind of -plode?
I'm sure no-one else is having this much trouble with C4. Hell, Tom Parsons is doing two maths A-levels and he's doing OK. I just feel like an idiot.

ARGGGGHHH

Dorkus Molorkus

I feel like a total geek right now. I'm watching TV at home, alone, on a Friday night, I spent all afternoon doing maths, playing City of Heroes and Castlevania (game involving vampires) and... Sigh... Reading comics.
Who am I kidding, I thrive on this shit! I've been reading the Deadpool and Cable comic book series, it is amazing. Deadpool is one of the greatest super heroes ever, and Cable turned out to be pretty awesome, too. Really awesome, in fact.
In other news, I got sick of depending on wankers to play CoH, so I decided to play it alone. It's much harder, and in the end I died (twice), but the rewards are so much more gratifying. I levelled up in one mission, which is great because now I am stronger... And I can fly!!!
I feel really shitty about the amount of work I've done, because it feels like loads but I know it isn't enough. Having said that, this has been a pretty positive blog so far. Today has been quite slow and a little boring, feel like I've squandered it a little. Hm. I s'pose I have done two maths papers, although I wanted to do more it's still not bad. I think I'll aim to do two a day.
Man, Alissa has gone on holiday. She only left this morning but I really miss her already. It's strange how the time you notice how much you care for someone most of all is when they're gone.
Just been talkin' comics with Martha's friends, as if I didn't feel geeky enough already. I ordered a new hard drive (external, 60GB) yesturday, I'm eagerly awaiting it's arrival. Also, I think I'm going to dig out an old computer that's just sitting in my cupboard and set it up on my desk, see what I can do with it.
This has been quite a sporadic, 'stream-of-consciousness' style post.

Deadpool rules.