Post 101

I'm in the triple-figures. Awesome. 102 if you count the one I took down.
Bright Eyes are beautiful.
It was rad to see Jenni and Olivia last night, ditto for Matt, but that's less of a rare occurrence. Smoking when you have a throat infection ain't clever, but I'll probably do it again tonight.
Seeing Saw 3 was possibly the worst decision I have ever made. Words cannot convey how truly awful it is. I still shake and whimper when I think about it. Just... Jesus.
Jesus.
It's hard to stop thinking about, but I must.
I'm going to see Thomas Thomas (of Jordana's-uncle fame) tonight. Should be hexcellent.

Oh, my, look at the time.

Test-ish again

I'm not sure if the problem is with my laptop, Blogger or Firefox, but every time I try to post a new... Post on this blog, it says "publishing" as normal, but instead of finishing and saying "successful" or whatever, it says "there were errors" or something, but seems to end up working anyway (hence why I tried numerous times and ended up with numerous posts). It's annoying.
Fuck, I had something to say, I forgot it.
Oh yeah, it was a pretty standard Carlylian (WOO) rant, only with a positive spin; sure work sucks, but at least all I have to worry about is showing up on time and leaving on time - I don't have to think too much, and outside work hours I'm pretty much free to do whatever I want. It doesn't even matter if I get no sleep or something, really; the job doesn't require too much mental capacity.

Not worth a blog, but I want to see if/how the blog is working.

Test

Firefox has let me down. Harshly.

A feeling of urgency when there's nothing to be done

That last post was an overreaction to something stupid, it just came at a time when I was in a rubbish mood. I blame hormones.
Did you know that males have a "time of the month" as well? It's true, just because they don't menstruate doesn't mean they don't have hormone cycles.

GAY!

You raised my hopes and dashed them quite expertly

I hate relying on people. I don't know why I do it. Every time someone says they will call, or meet me somewhere at a time, or do fucking anything, I believe them, every fucking time. Why? Every time I get let down. How the fuck can I still have hope that anyone will ever come through for me?
Alright, so it doesn't bother me when people are late for an actual reason, but shit, you can't actually depend on anyone for anything. I already know you can't trust anyone, so why do I keep building up my hopes and trusting people?
Like, someone says they will call me, why do I actually bother keeping my mobile telephone about my person? Fuck, why do I look at it every five minutes? I'm such a fool.

This cough is getting on my last nerve, too.

So sick, so sick of being tired and oh-so tired of being sick

I haven't been healthy since Reading. I had a chest infection a few weeks back, you may recall, now I have a throat infection (I'm pretty sure - Alex does and she has the same symptoms as me), so fucking hooray. I'm off work, but actual sick days suck because they are boring. Sick-of-work-days are a different matter, but this is a sick day. Also, not being able to sleep is the worst kind of ill. I'm gonna try and book a doctor's (is that apostrophe right? I only want the one doctor and I'm sure there's supposed to be an 's' there) appointment when the surgery opens in seven minutes (read: when the people have opened th surgery in about half an hour), because, as the title would suggest, I'm sick of being, well, sick.
So last weekend I went to a work party; oh dear. It was boring (but maybe that's just because I wasn't smashed like everyone else), and no-one really knew me. The small few who made the effort to talk to me quickly gave up when they realised my responsiveness was limited to "yeah", "no" and "hah..." (owing to three joints). This dude from Manchester called Owens is probably the nicest guy I work with (not to say none of the others are nice, I just don't know them as well). He arrived at the party and shouted "SLACK (that's me)! GIVE ME A HUG!" - legend. Plus he speaks funny, like all "northeners".
I got my spetum pierced, as you will know if you follow this blog. Jordana wanted an industrial/scaffold piercing, she's got two rings in at the moment, going back for the bar in a few weeks. I wandered through Camden smoking a joint, it was fun. I must do it more often. Some black guy shouted "HEY!" to me, and when I looked round, he gave me a knowing smile, nodded and said "what you smokin'...?". I laughed and nodded back. I absoloutely love it when the phrase "you can't judge a book by it's cover" is appropriate, because to be honest (THB), you usually can (I just realised, this makes me sound like a horrible racist - I neglected to mention that he was a scary looking rudeboy, I didn't mean I was surprised that a BLACK was actually NICE).
Awesome, it's 8.02am and I just booked a doctor's (?) appointment for 9.20am. That's brilliant.
Oh yeah, Sunday Jenni lost her rugby match, but the other team were PRICKS, so we were the real winners. Then in the evening I went to Misos/The Greyhound with Spanner from Office. It was sweet to have a catchup, haven't seen her properly for about seven months.
I couldn't sleep the other night, so I watched series one of Peep Show, then ate beans on toast. I decided that I'm definately going to have a nervous breakdown at some point in my life, they seem like such a lark.
Anyway, once again I have actually enjoyed posting on this blog, so thanks for reading.

Snot, snot, snot, wipe, PAIN, snot, snot, snot...

Yawn.

It isn't fun when you have a cold if you have your septum pierced. Trent Reznor once had his done; he allegedly took it out for that very reason. I'm not going to take mine out, simply for the fact that it cost me £30 and a lot of pain, so I want to make the most of it.
Snot, snot, snot, wipe, PAIN, drip, drip, drip...
I keep thinking it's Thursday night. Fuck. At least I'm only a day out now, though.
Recorded three songs over the past two days, I'm quite proud of them; even if my voice isn't brilliant, it could be a whole lot worse.
Blaaah, I'm in one of those "don't-know-what-to-listen-to" moods. Irritating. Guess I'll check out this 'Chiodos' business, Simon seems to enjoy it.
Boring. Life is boring.

"What's a Nereid?"
"I dunno, what's a Chiodo?"

Why is my arm wet...?
Less people read this every day, I'm glad you still do.

Bath time.

God-damn, crazy rebel kids.

Sunday, had a wonderful day involving an old face and shivering in the freezing rain. I'll blog about actual events later, though...
I asked my mum, hypothetically, how she would feel if I were to get another piercing, but one that she didn't have to see.
Her and my dad went into their usual "talk at Jack like he's a fucking retard for even considering that", I try explaining that they simply don't understand because they aren't part of that culture, but they just say "that's because it's pointless and there's no reason why you would get a piercing."
So I said how religion to me seemed pointless, and I don't see why people believe, but that doesn't mean there is no reason to believe, I just can't see it. In the same way, it isn't that piercings have no reason, they just simply can't see it.
Just because you don't understand a lifestyle choice (not even a major one, I don't really want to be a girl or anything like that), does not make it wrong.
They anger me.

Rewind: Saturday, I did this:

I have been poking it up my nose, so my parents haven't seen it yet. won't they be pleased.

ROCKNFUCKINROLL

Do phrases beginning "I wonder if..." merit a question mark?

Next month will be the first birthday in my awareness that I have not been looking forward to.
"I'm gonna stay eighteen forever"
You can't stop time, and you can't live forever. I don't want to. I just don't want to be an adult. I'm terrified of responsibility, that's partly why I hate my job so much.
Ironically, I can't wait to feel independent and free... All I want is a job that I can handle with enough money to survive on.
I don't understand these "big-shots" who earn loads but work pretty much 24/7. My boss at work is off sick all week, and he keeps e-mailing people about work... Working to live is one thing, I never want to live to work.
"We get by just fine here on minimum wage"
"What have I become, my sweetest friend?"
"Someday I'll pay the bills with this guitar"
If it weren't for music, I don't know what I'd do.

I wonder if I'll read this back in a few years and feel embarrassed...("?"?)

Too much sleep, if anything.

"Weight Watchers" should be called "Fat Losers". Think about it.
Haven't got much else to say. I'm fuckin' tired, I suspect it's from getting too much sleep, since I've been getting about nine hours every night for the past week. I didn't even know there was such a thing as "too much sleep" until about five people said it to me today independently.
Someone told me they decided against taking Physics at University because the lecturer looked like a proper mad scientist. I'm now looking forward to it all the more.
I'm enjoying the Vex Red album, but I haven't listened to it enough to distinguish songs yet.
"See photo's of meteor showers" - ON THE BBC WEBSITE! THE FUCKING BBC! FUCK!
Idiots.
"You are the pain, you are the hurt, you are the hate"
I love when the same line in a song is repeated.
I haven't got a piercing for a while, 27 is spurring me on.
Fuse just blew. Baths in the dark are less fun than I would have thought. It tricks you into thinking you're colder than you are.

It's music time.

Can't Smile

... Is a fucking amazing song. (L)Goths(L)
Mmm, playing music calms me down. If music be the food of love, I must be emotionally obese.
I just tried to tidy my room for the first time in a long time, and it turns out I no longer have sifficient wardrobe space. So my room looks messy still. I hate posessions, I wish I could bring myself to get rid of most stuff in my room. But I love stuff. My room is quite awesome, actually. At a glance: Less Than Jake inflatables, Wolverine comics, various musical instruments, The Aeneid (I really should read that)...
My speakers are getting worse. Bass drums now sound like clicks.
I figured something this morning: this job is probably going to make me a stronger person... After, I'll be able to look back, hopefully a better person; but none of this will ever happen if I don't learn to deal with it. If I moan about it for a few months then quit, I won't have learned from my experience at all. Life IS shit, you need to learn how to cope with that rather than learn to escape. I'll never be happy as long as I'm working here, but fuck, how many people in the world ARE happy? Everyone keeps saying it's only for a year. Fuck that, a year is a long time. But I realise now that it is still only time, and time passes. I'm no more cheerful than I have been, but complaining gets you nowhere.
People piss me the fuck off, too. Getting pushed by people every day is driving me nuts, but I hope, in time, I'll learn to deal with that in a way that doesn't result in my imprisonment... WITHOUT killing myself.
Even if I am totally miserable, I'd rather be The Man In Black, silent and sorrowful type than the whiney little dick that I have resembled for most of my life so far. This blog doesn't count, though, this little outlet keeps me going sometimes.
This is less vague, but if it were more so, it would be rubbish. No-one would understand, so I'd explain and then they would realise it was boring.
That last part didn't really need to be said.
I forgot about my tattoos again.


"What's there to smile about?"

I caught you a delicious bass.

As usual, Friday night was one of my fleeting moments of happiness of the week, although Saturday was pretty much on a par. Sitting beneath the stars is the best place to be, clouds spoil it even when you aren't really paying attention to the sky. The company is pretty much perfect.
Apparently, I walk like a robot. This can only be a good thing.
We made a foreign couple happy by giving them our tickets to go on the biggest slide. It says a lot about the society we live in when they didn't understand why I was holding tickets out towards them, then when they finally accepted them they didn't realise they were a gift. They seemed pleased; made me feel good. Altruism is a fallacy.
It's rare to find someone who understands everything you say without needing to explain it.
Spoke to an old friend on the 'phone. I wasn't upset as a result, at least not in the way I thought I would've been. I was civil and pleasant, but honest. A good way to be, I reckon.
The bigger they are, the harder they fall; interestingly, once they've fallen, they can still be big enough to tower over the rest...
I'm not sure if this blog is so vague that no-one will understand it (thereby causing the small few who read anymore to stop), or not vague enough to make more people angry at me (thereby causing the small few who read anymore to stop). I'm not sure I care, but I think I should.
Made a load of badges, amazingly fun.
Nothing seems worth doing.
"I am too busy to have friends, a lover would just complicate my plans" - it's strange how much wisdom sometimes comes out of my speakers with perfect timing. Thus proving, once again, that music is the only God for me.
Getting stoned in graveyards is fun; once a Goth, always a Goth.

Goodbye.

Are we there yet?

"There is blood in my mouth from trying not to speak" - that lyric played just as I thought "I won't bother posting another blog tonight", I know I moan a lot, and I'm trying to moan less and all, but I've always believed that bottling up feelings is bad. I'm the last person in the world to believe in fate, but the lyric was certainly well-timed. I haven't much new to say. My superiors at work are noticing that I'm a little down in the dumps, I seem to be going downhill. It does feel like it's got worse again. AFI was amazing. Had I been less stoned I might've cried when they played This Time Imperfect. What a gay.
I seem to spend my evenings dreading the next morning.
I've got the Plus 44 song on repeat. It certainly isn't helping.
"This is where the road crashed into the ocean".
Yeah, let us indeed slit our writsts and burn down something beautiful. I could probably quote every line if this song. It's making me feel like I did last month again. Only different.
I feel lonely, I rarely see peers. It's so strange to not be around people your age for days. I feel quite misunderstood and outcast in my job. I got Alex, actually. But we mostly talk in light-hearted humour over an instant messenger.
Blaaa blaaaaaaa blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, this is so uninteresting. Sums up my life (fuck, moan, moan, moan!).
I wish I could see the stars better.
I can't believe it's been a month. Less than a month.
I don't want to die, I just don't really want to live anymore.

Not really worth reading.

I still can't stop wishing I was at University.
I know it's for the best in the long run, but I never think about my life 'in the long run'.
I'm bored of saying this, but it's all that's ever on my mind.
My basic beef with life at the moment (ie this job) is how I don't really have any freedom.
Shut up, everyone is tried of reading about this bollocks. Hell, I'm even tired of writing about it.
But I have nothing else to write about.

Comin' to you, one-thousand beats per minute.

I've spent the last week writing and recording some new songs, and I was getting really into it. Everytime I came up with a clever little lyric or a decent sounding riff I would get really excited and try and build on it, practice it, turn it into a song, and record it. Now I've laid down three songs on tape, plus a re recording of Means To Me (which has a stupid title), and listening back to them, they sound somewhat... Shabby. I know it's only a home recording, but ahh. Something missing perhaps? I considered adding some drums (soft machine) and maybe some keyboard, but my initial reason for doing this was as an acoustic project. I know I shouldn't let old ideas stand in the way of innovation, but I'm only turning away from the acoustics because I don't like how it's coming out. Maybe the songs are alright, I could have just overlistened to them and scrutinised them too much. I wasn't expecting them to come out sounding professional, I s'pose. I'll keep at it for a while longer and upload the best few. I enjoyed making it, but I'm not experiencing the sense of satisfaction I usually get after spending ages creating something. Hmm. You can't rush art, maybe I just need more time. Maybe I'll use this as a starting point and just record shit all year untill I end up with 10 or so songs that are actually good. Yeah. I like that. It's not like I'm doing much else this year. I WILL keep at it then. Thank you, I'm glad we had this talk.
It's really wierd that I feel better after consoling myself. I do know me better than most, I guess it makes sense. Does make me look like somewhat of a wack-job, though... Even better!
I'm jealous of Matt and Hauwa (it was great to see her after so long), all independent and what-not. I do believe that my year out was a good idea and I think it'll do me good. But MAN do I wish it was over already.
Beck is good, but what's new? The Information didn't exceed expectations, but it met them perfectly.
The titles of my Blogs have ceased to become a quote, lyric or original saying from myself relating to the content of the blog, and turned into "I'm currently listening to a song. Here is a line from this song."

And you love it.

I've got Kitty Pride and Nightcrawler, too.

I spent £80 last night, now I need to learn how to roll. I know the technique, I'm just a bit cack-handed. Also tobacco is more expensive than I thought.
I need to watch Amelie soon, too, but I never watch films alone, they take up a lot of time. Jor'll need to force me. A woman sat with me at work all day today do log what I do and when (Jack finished the statements at 9.44am and went to the restroom, returning at 9.50am, a long time to ‘powder his nose’!” FUCK YOU!), and the work I do is somewhat sporadic (I'd think I had ADHD sometimes if that wasn't a made-up, bollocks condition attached to little shits who weren't raised right (even though I was), but I suppose my attention span is just considerably shorter when it comes to boring shit at work), I'm worried I'll get in trouble for not doing enough. I guess I'm pretty lazy, but can you blame me? Well, yes, but the job doesn't suit me (even co-workers agree). It isn't supposed to be fun, though; it's WORK. Yeah but fuck you, I'm 18, life is supposed to be fun at this point. I'm gonna stay 18 forever. I hate "maturity"; why the fuck should I start being sensible and reasonable just because everyone else is? I'm gonna go straight from adolescent (pro-typical nonconformist) "rebel" to senile; fuck middle age and all that shit. I realise I'm not really a rebel, resistance is futile, I'm barely original, I like to think I'm interesting at times to a certain extent, but so are most people (otherwise conversing would be more defunct than it already is). But I never want to act a certain way just because I feel I have to. I will react to a situation according to my own judgement, thanks.
Also, if I smoke my earnings away this year, hopefully the senility will have an early onset... as in before I hit 21. I'm gonna be the best fuckin' physicist ever. My hero is probably Professor Farnsworth, no matter how fictional he may or may not be. I'm rambling, so that's a good start.
Where was I?
Mmm, I need to calm down again. People really do piss me off so much, why is that? Why does no one else see how fucking ARGH people are/can be? Or, why am I the only one who cares so much?
Someone give me a decent paradox, and then someone else suggest a philosophical point tom muse about.

Now… Well go on, what are you still reading this for? Post a freaking comment! Don’t read the bit below, just post a comment!

..

Reverse psychology, innit, sucker. I knew curiosity would get the best of you. Now comment.

Love Like Winter

Jenni's rugby was cool today, she scored a tri (I think that's how it's spelled), well done. Good to see Matt, Buggsy was on top form. The rain was fun, I love autumn. "Best Friend" by Weezer is one of the happiest songs I know, it got me down earlier. I've got a massive dcuppaz#, I need it.
My speakers are breaking, might have to get some new ones.
I've set up an old four-track recorder and some microphones and junk in a tidy corner of my room, my own little recording studio. I'm slowly but surely pulling together a collection of solo, mostly acoustic stuff. I hope to have most of them laid down by the end of the week, I'm still writing some. I hope my voice won't sound as bad when I'm not playing simletaneously. I might even double track it here and there, but my "four" track struggles with anything more than two layers, so maybe not. Either way, my voice isn't terrible I suppose. I'd still rather sing it badly myself than have to rely on anyone else anyway, so fuck critics, you can kiss my whole ass-hole (word to Jay-Z).
I got a Wolverine graphic novel. It's brilliant, he is definately one of the best comic characters of all time. Fuck the movie (although Hugh Jackman did a good job), he is so much cooler in print. Ahhh, but I won't rant.
Bought some new clothes also today, Primark is so cheap. Cords, two polo shirts and an AMAZINGLY comfortable zip-up hoody, all for £18. Brilliant. I'm annoyed that I only spotted the belts for £1 on my way out.
I'm gonna go make some music now.

Here it's December every day.